Tournament of Ymir 43: The Norse take Paris

The Norse have a great need for new fertile grounds in which to pillage and prosper as The Frost Giant, Ymir, has driven them from their northern homes of the last 11 years.  Come a vikingr to the fertile lands of French and rid their mills and homes of plunder at Millstone 4-H Camp.

This year’s Ymir finds the Norse invading France, as in the days of 885 when Ragnar brought his people down the Seine to confront Odo, Count of Paris, and King Charles the Fat. It is a little known fact that before this epic siege there was an exchange of letters between the famous Norse Skald Bjorn Bjornbjornssonn (writing in the style of Norse Fornyrdislag) and the Parisian Scribe Gaspard de la Poi Poi. (writing in the classical tenth century epic style). These were essentially an exchange of warnings between the men on what would happen when the Northmen arrived.

To get you into the spirit of the event, we offer up these hitherto unknown series of letters.  From BJORN BJORNBJORNSSON to GASPARD DE LA POI POI, Spring, 885.

Dearest Frenchy foemen
Fear our approach!
We Norsemen are in need of
Nosh for our folk
Yea, we heard this year
You had a harvest
Most pleasant and plentiful
Placate our bellies!
Rumor has run rampant
Revealing that you have
Made significant supplies of
Succulent cheese!
Cheese we will chomp and
Cheerily chew
Cough up your cattle curds or
Chaos will ensue!

From GASPARD DE LA POI POI to BJORN BJORNBJORNSSON

Say to you, nay to you, do we. you shall not enter gay Paree
For tis not yours to have our food! If you would steal our Cheese . . . how rude!
You might have snails galore in sauce- This would be acceptable loss.
Fried frog legs gladly will we share- But take our cheese? You would not dare!
You may not have our camembert- visit you not our fermier!
It you would offer us homage- you must not touch our fine fromage!

Lady Hrosvitha von Celle is hosting a Grand Cheese Competition in honor to prove how succulent the cheese of the French may be. Just like the Norse, she plans to steal some for the feast.

From BJORN BJORNBJORNSSON to GASPARD DE LA POI POI-

Yo to yon Frenchmen, You’ve got some gaul!
Deny us your delicious delectable cheese- you won’t!
While we’re at it we will also be taking all the alcohol around the city…
We want your wine you whiny little frenchies
We’ll take the white willingly enough, but red is a better
Blood drink flowing, Chablis is for shirkers.
Surely. Just keep it.

From GASPARD DE LA POI POI to BJORN BJORNBJORNSSON

Say to you, nay to you, do we. Our wine is not for likes of thee
Stick to your fermented honey- Grapes like ours are too much money
Too good for raiders from the North- If you want death then please come forth
Mort shall be served to you this way- Fragrantly with a light bouquet
Ask not for ale or beer or wine. Threaten not folks with whom you’d dine
from those who talk like Swedish chef requests will fall on ears quite deaf

Atlantians….the Norse Take Paris is set….and at Ymir we shall see whose potent potables will reign supreme. Vintners….Mead makers….bring your best and participate in the competition. All manner of wine and mead will be considered in the competition sponsored by Baron Lochlainn and Baroness Edan of Raven’s Cove.

From BJORN BJORNBJORNSSON to GASPARD DE LA POI POI-BORK! BORK! BORK!
Beware our wrath!
Cheese and wine are simply starters
Safe from us is naught of yours
If it is not nailed down
Nothing is sacred
So swear we by the
Single-eyed one-
That your finery, your furniture and
Females as well
Will not go to waste
Wherever they dwell
Our ships shall be laden with
Shiny French things
As we sail back by sea-steed.
So the skald sings!

From GASPARD DE LA POI POI to BJORN BJORNBJORNSSON

Say to you, nay to you do we. You shall not have our finery!
Also not our furniture- your salty butts it won’t endure!
Our females would not touch you so just turn your ships around and go-
Try buying something just for once- instead of taking, Viking dunce!
Last time you came into our town- you burned it almost to the ground
You Viking fools, you just don’t learn. You Pillage FIRST. And THEN you burn.

The French have affirmed that the Norse will not be stealing any finery, furniture, or wenches, but there are plenty of merchants to sell or barter these wares.  Wenches will not be for sale or barter.